Speak to me but only in whispers late at night
and please try to remember what is said because
i don't want to explain myself again come morning.

please disregard my love letters because they don't
make sense to you, and they probably wouldn't
to me either.

Last night I went through photos of 5 years
I am now clay, bitter reds
hands dry and you're down the avenue
drinking sorts of whiskey and wine

i am just trying to be
as cute as i can be
all huddled up in fetal position
poison/sorrows and listening
to nothingness nothing
conversations of
if I were stranded on a desert island.

Let's think, let's not think
such questions and bare ourselves
with facts and feelings no matter
how fiction

in fetal position
beating myself up for
social time wasted.

I am not short term committed to you
for life.

She didn't know you and therefore
did not mistake you for
versions of strength
working man, not sad at all and so not
broken winged.
(we are fooling each other)
we are doing it ourselves.

(Please) let's mistake this for sometime longer
because the cold is letting itself in through
the cracks in my window, and being close
 and being imperfect

is (was)

City Dreams
city scapes
city streets
grown up
grown life
you want a baby one day
one day you want plans
Running from a volcano erruption
Volcano cliffs
jumping out into shallow water.
Just jump
(I am afraid)
Pretend you jumped
(I want that falling feeling)
Have gravity plummet me
bruised and feeling something
better than nothing.

This is my cubby room with a view
This is what my hands feel and smell like.
These are the things that I hold-sift through,
mold into pieces.

Every night I want to curl up with a feeling
of accomplishment.

Every morning I wake-up to traffic.

Not sleepy in the slightest (at first).
I have to get things and places out of my system-
so that I can be closer to not moving.
Be closer to staying still even though there is no
stillness in sight.

If tomorrow will be productive
and if I will connect with and be close to
everyone that I love, here.
All spread out across the city
and it becomes weeks/months before
we're able to see each other and when
we do
I will surely show resonance of that beat-up
alone feeling that I am met with
when I sit solitary on that step
nightly.

Stairs to the doorway.

what thing I can do
before I go to sleep,
before it's too late
and can't get
enough sleep to be productive
in the morning.
Do. Make. Be. Do more. Get better.
(my mantra, my thoughts)
get better so that you can do more-
so that you can develop close relationships
and finally feel at peace.

First Lesson
that I have learned
is that I must take care
of myself
more
give myself my art
my time
my energy to feel
stop being angry at other
people
stop relying on them, too
be here/there for myself.

At least a letter from me

NOT yours/done

From my last week in Europe, over a year ago

(I still vividly remember the color of the sky that night)

Regardless of whether or not I got on the night train
it's fucking beautiful outside.

My last day in Castellammare,
I walked down the dock,
in the harbor of the Mediterranean. the bay.
And I stood
up and down I went with the wind blowing my hair
in each direction on that dock
waves like I might have been eaten,
had I feared them.

The water, aqua marine.
Italians have more than one word for blue.
We have adjectives,
light blue, navy blue, dark blue, electric blue.

Madonna De la Aqua.
Spouts of mineral water,
coming from the Madonna herself-
Italians come here to the spout and fill jugs, wash their
faces, pray.
Put together with mosaics made by locals.
Good for digestion.

I feel stronger than I ever have.
Like a horse, an elephant, a whale.
Just because I left my hoodie with a skull
doesn't mean that I have abandoned plans
to play cello in a metal band.

I have become rather accustomed to being alone,
without foreign English speakers nearby,
I think this is as long as I could have taken it.

what should I pray for and how to begin

Step 1: Get out of Bed.

Step 2: Go do something.

Be thankful for all that you have.

Resolve. Patience. Love. Trust. Service to others. Service to self. Remembering without regretting. Letting go and accepting new things as they come. Being ok. Being thankful. Inviting success. Be an artist. I am an artist.

I ate it.

That big black ball hanging onto my esophagus.

It went down my throat and

through my digestive tract

and then it circulated through my veins,

Around in my body, emptying out

until it eventually evaporated through

my sweat

as it dried.

Oh how long,

since I have felt this falling feeling.