Back in the States, stuck in Fallon, NV

I have been back in the United States for maybe almost 3 weeks now, I haven't been keeping track so well. I have been spending a lot of time on Craigslist, applying for jobs, looking up places to live in both Oakland and Reno. Somewhat reluctantly, I admit that if I had a best friend right now, it would be craigslist.org. After my last post on Craigslist, asking to house-sit and dog walk, I got strange emails from someone. I have thus decided to steer clear of posting images of myself on the site. The conversation is shown below. Kind of made me feel uncomfortable.

Thankfully, I am looking on the bright side of things. I am seeing this stage as a time for my ideas to grow and develop, to give myself a chance to apply and do research for things that I normally would not have. I am certain that when I get around my friends, with opportunities abounding, I will find little time to work on my projects, or to research into dreamy programs such as Pland summer artist residency. The key is to remind myself that this was my choice, to enjoy the freedom of not having a home yet. This may be also be my last chance to share a space with my family before I make a valiant effort toward some form of adulthood.

The photo above was taken somewhere between Vienna and Bratislava. The photo below was taken from my computer in San Francisco, after my first night sleep in the US.

*************

Judy Fleming,

I would love to meet you.

I own a new 5 bed 3 bath home in Reno.

I live in it alone.

How old are you?

Any more pics of you?

Glen

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Judy,

Did you get my email?

I want to talk to you about your living situation.

Glen

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Yes, I actually just found something else. Thanks, though.

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So are you in Reno?

Can I meet you?

Glen

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No. Stop emailing me.

The Last Page

In Amsterdam, Netherlands.

Maybe if I didn't fall in love so easily,

it would be easier to avoid heartbreak.

Maybe if I loved myself as much as I loved people,

I wouldn't need to sell all of my belongings,

take a road trip and fly to a foreign country-

just to lock myself up on some hilltop countryside

surrounded by a language that I don't speak

because

things didn't go exactly as I had planned it.

And so.

I got lonely with myself.

I started having dreams

that I was with people-

flying in the sky like a

helium balloon.

Taking ice-cream from passers-by.

and writing poetry on the naked body of a lost lover.

Maybe the hardest part,

was that I made it so hard on myself.

I kept walking and searching

thinking I could force-find

what I was looking for

Only to end up with blisters on my feet and a profound

longing from something from my past,

anything.

(I kept looking for us)

And although I don't think that I have found it.

I have found something.

I have satisfied a deep curiosity

and I feel more able than I ever have.

I don't feel afraid to love

but I feel less certain that it will happen quickly.

If at all.

But maybe that's not the point.

Because I have found that dancing with myself

-eyes closed-

is a great way to dance.

And being and feeling love no matter

with whom, it is just that I am feeling it at all,

is better than being locked up with only myself

to converse with.

Time That I Leave This

In Barcelona, Spain.

Stand among the space

between tears and laughter.

Don't stop walking.

Forget your plans if you ever had any.

To tumble over the steep steps

because you were distracted by the sunset.

The bright colors,

that fill your belly better than any

fruit plucked high from cherry orchards.

In a song you were singing in your mind.

A melody that no one else will ever hear.