From My First Day at My First Full Time Desk Job

Remember that time I threw up on the pavement,
Outside of your car door--
dizzy from the clouds?

I am not pregnant

I am not drunk.

I am fucking purging my past.

First day on the job,
full-time, whatever.
Stuck at a desk maybe
and a rumbling in my tummy.
I spent my 1st hour of my new job
in cold sweats--
trying to smile but then shitting rivers
in the only bathroom
Almost naked on the tile floor asking,

"please stop."

Then in the office I could barely
stand up straight,
my voice no longer works and
they still filling in numbers,
"We are not doctors here."

I am purging my past of free schedule,
no commitments,
unlimited time off and
no benefits.
I am purging myself as an artist
pressing forward to make a name for myself.
I was asking God, whoever,
for some stability.
Some responsibility that I could grow from.

Given a chance to learn new things
and am now learning how to shit a storm
and feel wholly embarassed.

The "I can" is the challenge
and the
"why can't I?" I am challenging.

The second I arrive home in my bed,
what is done is done---
Potential falling through and
maybe no turning back
because I have already said goodbye.

My bed in covers
shivers
cold and warm

Just let me sleep as if it didn't happen.
Remember that time
I was on the computer and my entire
body went fucking balistic?

forget it already. 

A list of things to do from last year, I am approaching 30 now

-drop business class
-look into grad school/apply for grad school
-mail items
-get in studio next week
-organize details for design work
-get health insurance
-pay student loan
-pay off credit card
-do time card for ____
-send pay stubs to Sally Mae